Only later, as I climbed back up the stairs, the delivery man's words
echoed back to me and I realized he had seen Elijah. Elijah was moving
through other back lanes, trailed by other children, ones who did not run
away. I curled against the topmost stair, and my chest ached with emptiness.
I ached long and full before I heard the whispering sing-song, "Danny,
Danny." and the slippered steps of Old Mr. Werner. It was he who'd first
told me about the wonder working Elijah, and the Ba'al Shem Tov's magical
adventures. "Danny, I'm all dressed up," he said. "This is something new
for me." He was climbing up from his basement workshop where he kept his
bed and hot plate, climbing up to the Passover, God's Days of Redemption.
"I'm telling you, I am doing this just for you." Standing two stairs below
me, he reached out to my shoulder, and I uncurled to his touch. "Danny,
you got to tell me the truth because I don't know. Am I looking good enough
for your family?" He wore a loose and faded suit. His tie showed three
blue swallows flying above a sunset. His skullcap was balding velvet.
"You look terrific, Mr. Werner. You're like a model or an actor in
the movies."
"Yah, yah. I can guess which one. Curse of the Mummy.
I know the movies you like to see."
"No, Mr. Werner. You're great. You're like that wise old guy in Charlie
Chan."
"Okay, so now we're both wise guys. So help me button my collar." He
smelled of shaving soap and talcum powder, though his face still bristled
with patches of racoon grey. I found myself bending to him, not only from
the knees but from the heart, wanting to kiss his cheek. And wanting to
tell him about Elijah, but I hesitated, because I was ashamed that I had
run away. Then I heard my parents behind the door, rattling keys and rushing
on their coats. They'd be looking for us.
I patted down his collar. "Mr. Werner," I said. "I'm really glad you're
coming." For we were all going to Baba's: my parents and I and Mr. Werner,
whom I had begged to come and then had begged my parents to invite and
finally, had begged Baba to accept by making the old man out to be a lonely
widower whose children left the faith and who would feel most alone on
these holy nights. Somehow I had managed it. My first miracle of Passover.
I'd never thought, back then when I was only ten years old and ruled
by whatever ruled my parents, that Passover seders had anything to do with
God. I thought of them as ceremonies of submission to The Family. My parents
rehearsed me for days beforehand -- not in the meaning of the ritual meal
or the blessings or the four questions that I, as the youngest male, was
supposed to ask, but they prepared me for the snares of my uncles and aunts,
the taunts of my cousins, and how to please my baba.
Baba above all. Baba above everything. The very
entrance to her MacGregor Street apartment block proved her power --
stand in the lobby with its broken mailboxes, its tattered rug and smell
her herring, her bubbling corned beef, her boiling chicken. These were
Baba smells. Climb her stairs. Knock on her greasy brown door. Listen for
her Baba sounds.
"Rena!" Baba's voice was a high, strained gargle from the kitchen.
A clatter of pots. "Rena, somebody's at the door! You deaf?"
"I'm going, right away. I'm going." Thin and gloomy, Rena opened the
door. She was always the first at the Passover meal: setting plates and
taking coats, catching what she could of others' words and looks, being
extra hands, extra ears and eyes for Baba -- Baba who was so large, especially
when I could not see her. Baba who was enormous on the telephone, her voice
hoarse and shouting. And who grew larger still in my parents' telling and
retelling of her demands, her judgements, her displeasures, until she became
a giant.
Baba stomped down her hallway. She swallowed me in a fatty hug, laughing
that she had me. My parents searched the floor to find their smiles, and
all the while Mr. Werner watched and watched. "This here's my Danny!" Baba
bragged to us all. "He's my favourite grandson." She turned to Mr. Werner.
"And you? You are Murray's landlord?"
"I am Yossel Werner. A good holy day to you."
"Where you from?" Baba was suspicious. "You come from Poland? Or maybe
Hungary? You got some kind of different accent."
"I came from Otvotsk, not so far from Warsaw."
"Warsaw? One of Hitler's ovens, pah!" Baba did her ritual gesture of
spitting out the evil word.
"But now we're all Canadians," Mr. Werner said. "And we are all here
alive and well."
"It's good you brought two books," Baba said. "We only got a couple.
Next year, somebody better bring more."
"Mr. Werner knows how to read all the blessings for the meal," I announced.
"He can make sure we'll have a real good seder."
"Good -- you show my boys what to do," she laughed. "You get them praying
and I'll get them eating. But first Danny, you come with me." I was pulled
away, into her soup ladle kitchen with its paint and linoleum curling in
the steam of her thirty-year soup. She pinched my flesh and sat me on a
stool where I was to watch her stir her pot. Baba's skin was loose, bleached
as a boiled chicken's, soft as gefilte fish. I wondered if it had ever
been firm like mine. They said she used to lift weights, real weights.
The family ran a steam bath where the sons lifted barbells as if to prove
that nothing could keep them down. The steam bath was their sanctuary where
they would heat and strike themselves with swatches of oak leaves and groan
under a pummelling massage. Three of her sons became weightlifting champions
and she would at times work out beside them, mastering both iron and steam
to keep her boys her allies.
Zaida, my grandfather, could take neither weight nor heat, at least
not directly. The Depression which kept him poor also offered him escape.
He travelled to far-off cities where he worked for years, sending back
everything he could, like a man trying to buy his time.
Baba ran the family. She faced all problems with a hard eye, a closed
hand and a dirt floor peasant's crudeness which further dismayed her gentle
husband. In Russia, she'd been a victim of hunger and hate; here, discreet
abandonment. She used the only powers she understood to keep her children
close. She set each child against the rest with petty jealousies, resentments,
hidden fears, and this kept them all clinging to her for support. It was
clear to me, as a boy or now, these many years later, how well she understood
her methods or whether the others realized their roles, but such things
work even without understanding.
Eventually Zaida returned, to sit and sigh by the radiator, trying
to rescue the family from the tangles of their plots and counterplots.
He offered reason, compassion, humility and a painful display of self-blame.
What they wanted was power. At last, exhausted, Zaida found his final,
quiet way out. From then on, he was referred to as a saint, which simply
meant that he was dead and had never been a threat.
Saul, the first son, preferred distraction. Family folklore had it
that he had just missed being crushed by a piano dropped by movers. He
interpreted this as some sort of revelation on the dangerous nature of
burdens. He chose God instead. A mothering God. A worrying God. A God so
anxious about Saul's frailty that He sent him criss-crossing the world
in a quest for perfect health.
Whenever Saul ran out of money, he worked as a collector for religious
charities. Wise in the manufacturing of miracles, he'd make his rounds
on two trembling canes, and within a week or two he'd be springing, full
of his God's blessings, into an overseas travel office. I never met Saul
in the flesh; he moved away before I was old enough for memories and his
returns were always unexpected, brief, almost apocryphal. The only proof
I had of his existence were exotically stamped letters crammed into Baba's
sewing drawer. They offered cures for depression, heart disease and cancer.
They decoded ancient prophecies and begged immediate support.
Rena poked into the kitchen. "Ma, they're all here now. You coming
out, or what?"
"How can I come? Look at everything I got to do!"
"Okay, okay, I'll help. But get Danny out of here, there ain't no room."
Rena never had words for me; only glares. While I may have acted afraid
of her, I was mainly going through the motions. She simply could not raise
Baba's forceful smells. Rena had only a mustiness and a trace of something
burnt.
The wives, armoured in backcombed hairdos and black lace, chatted empty-handed
in the hallway. The three brothers -- my father, Steve and Leo -- grunted
and gripped one another with iron handshakes. They laughed hard and shoved
each other until chairs scraped and their wives cried out.
"Stop it! It's enough already."
"Murray! The lamp!"
"For God sake, Steve, that's your good suit!"
It was Passover, a time to recall our history.
(section break needed?)
The family settled at the extended table; Baba's chair empty at one
end, then Rena and her children, the three brothers and their wives. At
the far end on a stool was Mr. Werner. The other cousins and I got the
added card-tables. My aunts and uncles flipped through the Passover prayers
in grudging recognition of Mr. Werner as a stranger and a guest; someone
who might report on us to a larger world.
Mr. Werner lifted his cup for the blessing of the wine, his eyes dark
with memory. He chanted in the way of his father and his father's father.
All dead. All dead.
Other eyes glazed with boredom, wandered over the frill of a blouse,
the fabric of a shirt, the jewel in a ring, they darkened only with suspicion.
This table also had a history.
Sammy, Rena's son, rose to stammer the first ritual question, the question
that was mine to ask since I was the youngest male. But I did not know
the Hebrew.
"Ma nishtanah ha lailah hazeh, mee kol ha laylot? Why is this night
different from all other nights?"
"Because," sang Mr. Werner in the ritual response, "we were slaves
of Pharaoh in Egypt, and the Eternal One, our God, brought us out with
a strong hand and an outstretched arm."
He uncovered the matzoh, our bread of hasty departure. But Baba was
already pushing it to the side, along with the ceremonial herbs and salt
water, making room for supper. So Mr. Werner had to rush through the Questions
and the Commentaries, to skip over the Tale of the Four Sons and the story
of Jacob. Still, Steve yawned, as his mind shuffled playing cards. Leo
slipped away to the bedroom phone to make some 'connections', and before
Mr. Werner could sing of the writhing rod of Moses and the Pharaoh's broken
will, Baba burst through with a flood of soup and roast, sweet chicken
and stewed fruit, cutting off The Exodus entirely.
We grabbed at the dishes. We heaped one serving onto another. At first
we tore and chewed without tasting, as if the food might soon be snatched
away. We were not hungry as much as aroused. It didn't matter that we were
decades from the poverty which shaped these habits, or that there was far
too much food; we grunted for the weight of meats and fishes. We called
for more.
Only Baba did not eat. How could she? This was our communion with her,
proof of our needy love. We ate of her. Later, in her own time, she would
eat the eaters.
We tired. Ached with heaviness. I could only suck and savour. I lifted
my fragment of the matzoh which Mr. Werner had ritually broken then passed
to each of us, brittle as old parchment. I chewed it into sweetness as
I watched him mourn into his seder book while the radiators hissed murder,
pogrom, persecution. I mused about ghosts, wondering if my zaida could
be a ghost trapped behind the wallpaper. I pretended my Aunt Rena's dead
husband was a tiny ghost hovering over a wine stain on the tablecloth.
Another plate boomed down and the spirit fled like a frightened insect.
Steve studied the braised beef drowned in gravy. He rubbed his lips
with a napkin. "So, Murray. How's the store? You pulling in the big bucks?"
My father flinched from behind his mound of salad and jelly. He tried
to remember Deborah's advice, how he should answer when Steve went for
the cuts of heart and liver.
"Well, you know how it is in the clothing business, Steve. Lots of
sales but lots of overhead."
"Aw, come on, Murray! You're making a pile. Your Deborah's got you
working day and night. You don't even get time off to spend it. Hey, Ma,
how about some more cream soda?" Steve looked pleased at drawing first
blood on his brother. He liked scoring high and fast, which made him Big
Steve at the poker club, the big winner rolling in the dough, the dough
he peeled off in fives and tens to toss at flattering kibitzers or to slip
to his high-styled wife from Montreal who laughed it all away. But at the
family table, he gave nothing away to anyone except to Baba because here
Big Steve was still Little Stevie scraping and scrambling for his mother's
soup pot love.
Baba set down a half-dozen bottles of soft drinks. "What kind of money
can Murray make? Whenever I'm in their store, nobody's buying. Who's going
to buy at those prices? I ask you, Deborah, what makes you think my Murray
is a fancy businessman? He had a good job as a packer. Now, you'll make
him lose everything."
My father lowered his eyes. He pushed bits of salad around his plate.
Either way, business success or business failure, he'd be condemned.
Baba poured the drinks into heavy tumblers. "Murray," she said. "that
blouse you gave me, it's no good. It tore under my arm. Maybe you'll bring
me a better blouse?"
Rena burst out at her daughter, Shaini -- "Stop spitting food, Shaini.
Stop it or I'll get mad!" -- becoming even angrier that she was missing
Baba's and Murray's words, words she could keep to cook in her own oven,
words she could serve at their next dinner. She poked Shaini's lips with
a spoon of baked carrots. "Now eat!... Look at you. Three years old and
you don't listen to nobody!"
"Ma, never mind the blouse. How about some stockings?" It was Leo smiling
over his palm-sized address book thick with pencilled notes. "I'm meeting
with a guy tomorrow night. I can get you all you want." Clever Leo who
claimed he never needed any sucker job, not as long as he had contacts.
"Hey, Murray. I'll get some for you, too, cheaper than the wholesale. How
many do you want, two gross, three gross?"
But what if they were hot? My father didn't deal in heisted goods.
"That's okay, Leo. I got plenty of women's hosiery. A big order came in
just last week. Where am I going to put any more?"
Leo stiffened. He would sulk for Ma. "Fine! Go try to help a brother.
I don't even get a 'thank you'."
"What's the matter, Murray?" Baba leaned over the clutter of plates.
"You can't return the other stockings? Jacky Winestock won't take back
his merchandise? I used to feed him right here at this table!"
My father lowered his head. His hands groped for words. Until my mother
spoke. "It's a business situation, Ma. But it was great that Leo wanted
to help us out. We appreciate it, don't we, Murray?"
Baba drew in her resentment. Leo tapped his out upon a plate. Steve
was grinning, pleased with this new rift. He knew that now my parents could
not ask Baba for a loan. "Hey, let's forget it, already!" He cracked a
laugh. "Murray must be sick of women's stockings, brassieres and girdles.
Jeeze, peddling that stuff would drive me nuts. Look, tonight's a holiday.
Let's have a toast to my ma!" Steve lifted the silver goblet, full to the
brim. "Ma, you made one delicious meal! Here's to good times!"
"No! You don't drink!" It was Mr. Werner, his glimmering eyes fixed
on Uncle Steve. "That's the Prophet's cup. Don't you know anything?" The
goblet was set in a special place to await Elijah's invisible visit to
the seder, the prophet who had risen to Heaven on a whirlwind and descends
upon heaven's wind to honour every home's Passover meal.
"I saw him," I said without thinking. "I saw Elijah." Mr. Werner, Steve,
the whole table turned to look at me. "He was behind the store. He was
dancing and singing and getting ready to fly. He was going to fly!"
Even my cousins were still. Then, as if balancing something delicate
between us, Mr. Werner asked, "Danny, what did your Elijah look like?"
"He had long curls and a long beard and a black coat. And his back
was all hunched at the top. I wasn't the only one who saw. Max, the guy
who drives the bakery truck, he saw him too." What if Elijah would really
visit our seder? What if He would sit right next to me?
Uncle Steve's laughter broke overhead. "I'll bet he saw that crazy
Dukhobor! The one with the dirty beard that the guys call Castro. He sleeps
on the river bank wrapped in newspapers. You're lucky he didn't grab you."
More voices clattered overhead.
"Naw, it's the rag collector, Zaivi. You know the one -- he's always
sneaking into weddings for the booze."
"A shame! Jewish welfare should do something."
"Some prophet. He collects bottles in back alleys. What you got there
is a nickel and dime profit! Ha! Ha! You get it, Ma? It's a joke."
Their laughter turned my hurt to anger and I broke away from the table.
"Let me go! Let me get by!" I had to edge along the wall, pushing past
their chairs and their swollen backs that grumbled and twisted with tufts
of hair and creasing necks, past smells of cigar and sweat, bites of perfume
and hair spray. I was coughing out the worst words I knew even as I tangled
in the straps of my mother's purse. It spilled out Kleenex smeared with
lips, compacts of powder, a gaping mirror. She reached towards me but I
slapped her hands away. "Leave me alone!" as I crossed the no man's land
of shouts and warnings.
Until I was held by Mr. Werner's mild voice threading through it all.
"Who knows what the boy saw? Do you know? You don't know." All other voices
dropped into broken mutters. Mr. Werner's voice was deep and strong. "My
father, Isaac Werner, may his name be blessed, he saw an angel. It was
the day the peasants came with axes to make a pogrom against the Jews.
An angel appeared and showed my father where to hide his family in the
bushes. And all the time that we were hiding he saw the angel shining down,
protecting us inside a great fire. And what did the peasants see? Maybe
bushes. Maybe a pile of dirt. But my father, he saw an angel."
The tablecloth rustled. A chair creaked and straightened into silence.
A knife was laid quietly upon a plate. Mr. Werner raised his finger. "So
Steve, you want to drink wine? That's good. We are supposed to drink wine
on this night. And with our wine we make our prayers. Danny, you open the
door for Elijah."
It was the prayer of Shfoch Chamatcha spoken as the door was opened.
It welcomed the spirit of Elijah, the prophet of reconciliation, herald
of the End of Time. I felt the cool rush; Elijah's spirit was tinkling
and laughing, flying over stains and bones, dancing on the silver rim of
the wine cup, sweeping out the hot, stale air. It pushed me, too, back
into the room, to Mr. Werner who rocked over his leather book, one finger
crooked above the page, motioning, "Come, Danny. Come."
His hands slipped around my shoulder, scratchy against my shirt, and
when the prayer was ended, I sat down next to him pressing against his
bony knees. Everyone else left the table. Some clattered in the kitchen
or shook open newspapers around the coffee table, others whispered in the
hall, and glanced at us and glanced again. But Mr. Werner was close beside
me.
"Danny, this is Hebrew. Can you read it?" Black twisted letters. His
book was not like the other ones. It had no woodcut illustrations of long
haired Egyptians with their whips or bent slaves wrapped in ragged sheets.
"I don't know how to, Mr. Werner."
"That's okay," he said. "Do you know what Egypt is, eh? What's Egypt?"
"It's a country in Africa."
"Is that right? That's very good! And what else? What else do you know
about Egypt?"
"We all lived there once, like thousands of years ago."
"Yah, Danny, so was it a good place or a bad place?"
"The Egyptians were mean. They made us work way too hard. We had to
build the pyramids."
"You know a lot about Egypt. But did we stay there? Did we stay in
that bad place forever?"
"No," I answered. "There was Moses, the one in the movie, The Ten Commandments
"In Yiddish, he's called Moishe. God loved us so he sent Moishe."
"Yah, and Moses made the Egyptians let us go."
"It took a miracle. It took ten miracles!" Mr. Werner began a weaving
love prayer, a circling song without beginning or end as he rocked and
I rocked along beside him, humming into his breath, warm and sweet from
Manishevitz wine. And when we stopped, or, rather, when we let it go to
sing somewhere else without us, he opened his eyes and asked, "Danny, you
know what Ma nishtanah means? It means "What's different"
"Ma nishtanah," I repeated.
"And ha lailah hazeh means 'this night'."
"Ma nishtanah ha lailah hazeh."
"Yah, Danny, you said it just right. You're a smart boy. Mee kol ha
laylot. That means "from all the other nights". Put it all together
and it means "What's different about this night from all the other nights?"
"Because we're not in Egypt?"
"That's right. And because tonight we learn how we can get out of all
the bad places."
I pressed closer into his book and into him, my shoulder under his
arm, my ear rubbing against his dry whiskery chin as if he could carry
me, light as smoke, light as words up to the clouds. We gazed into his
book of stains, and tears and twisting letters, singing, "Ma nishtanah
ha lailah hazeh, mee kol ha laylot?" Our voices entwining, we swirled above
the table and out the window in a shy thin song, a strong brave song as
we creased and folded, sighed and swayed into one another.
"Ma nishtanah ha lailah hazeh, mee kol ha laylot."